Montessori Guide to Toddler Biting and Hitting: What’s Normal, What to Say, and How to Respond

Why is my toddler biting and hitting, and what can I do about it?

It’s one of the most common concerns among parents of toddlers. One minute your child is playing, and the next… they’ve bitten someone. Or hit a friend. Or grabbed a toy and smacked a sibling in the process.

But here’s what most people won’t tell you: biting and hitting are developmentally appropriate behaviors in early childhood. That doesn’t mean we ignore it, but it does mean we respond with understanding instead of shame.

In Montessori, we see behavior as communication. And biting and hitting? They’re a child’s way of saying something they don’t yet have the words for.

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Why Do Toddlers Bite and Hit?

Toddlers are still building emotional regulation, impulse control, and verbal communication. Their “thinking brain” is under construction, and their “feeling brain” (the limbic system) is in charge most of the time.

They may bite or hit when they:

• Are overstimulated
• Feel scared, angry, or frustrated
• Don’t have the words to express a boundary
• Are teething or seeking sensory input
• Feel crowded, ignored, or emotionally overwhelmed

It’s not manipulation. It’s survival-mode communication.

And if you’re dealing with this at home or in a classroom know this: you’re not alone. This post on the myth of the “terrible twos and threes” explains why toddler behavior is often misunderstood, and what they’re really showing us.

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The Montessori Approach to Toddler Aggression

In Montessori, we don’t punish children for biting or hitting. We observe, protect, model, and guide.

We focus on:

• Keeping everyone safe
• Understanding what triggered the behavior
• Responding calmly
• Teaching appropriate communication

Biting and hitting are not “bad” behaviors; they’re unmet needs expressed through action. Montessori helps uncover the need behind the behavior.

Learn more about our approach to conflict in this post.

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What to Say When a Toddler Bites or Hits

Instead of shaming, Montessori guides use clear, respectful language like:

• “I won’t let you hurt anyone. Let’s keep our bodies safe.”
• “You’re upset. Let’s find another way to show me.”
• “That surprised you. We’re going to pause and take a breath.”
• “He’s not for hitting. If you need space, let’s move together.”

These phrases communicate:

• Safety comes first
• Emotions are valid
• There are safe ways to express big feelings
• You’re there to guide, not punish

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What to Avoid

When a toddler bites or hits, try to avoid:

🚫 Saying “You’re being mean”
🚫 Forcing a child to apologize
🚫 Shaming them in front of others
🚫 Ignoring it or pretending it didn’t happen
🚫 Using isolation-based time-outs as punishment

These responses may stop the behavior short-term, but they don’t teach the child what to do instead.

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What to Do Instead (Montessori-Aligned Strategies)

✅ Block the behavior calmly
Step in quickly to prevent injury, not to punish. “I see you’re upset. I won’t let you bite.”

✅ Name the emotion
“You’re frustrated. You wanted that toy.”

✅ Redirect safely
“Let’s squeeze this ball instead.” “You can stomp your feet if you’re mad.”

✅ Model what to do next
“We say, ‘I’m not done yet.’” “We move away when we need space.”

✅ Offer connection
Most toddlers don’t want to hurt others. They often feel remorse but don’t know how to repair. Model empathy instead of demanding it.

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How to Prevent Biting and Hitting Before It Happens

The best intervention is prevention. And that starts with careful observation.

Watch for patterns like:

• Time of day (hungry? overtired?)
• Situational triggers (crowded room? fast pace?)
• Environmental needs (too many toys? no break space?)
• Sensory needs (do they need oral input? heavy work?)

Montessori classrooms are designed with these needs in mind. You can do the same at home by:

• Leaving open space for movement
• Offering duplicates of high-interest items
• Providing calm corners or quiet areas
• Naming emotions before problems arise
• Giving toddlers words like “I need space” or “I’m still using it” proactively

And if biting happens around toys or sharing struggles, this blog post on why toddlers don’t need to share will help reframe your response through a Montessori lens.

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Final Thoughts: You’re Not Failing – They’re Learning

If your toddler is biting, hitting, or grabbing – you’re not doing anything wrong. They’re not “bad.” They’re just learning.

With calm modeling, safe boundaries, and consistent responses, they will grow through this phase. Montessori doesn’t rush that process. We honor it.

So take a breath. You’re doing the work. And your child is learning—every time you stay present in the hard moments.

🧠 Quick Answers: Montessori Toddler Biting & Hitting

Q: Why do toddlers bite or hit?
A: Toddlers often bite or hit when they feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or don’t have the language skills to express themselves. It’s developmentally appropriate behavior rooted in impulse and emotion—not misbehavior.

Q: How do Montessori teachers handle biting or hitting?
A: Montessori guides block the behavior calmly, validate the emotion, and model safe, respectful alternatives. They focus on connection and communication, not punishment.

Q: What should I say when my toddler bites or hits?
A: Say, “I won’t let you hurt anyone. Let’s keep our bodies safe,” or “You’re upset. Let’s find another way to tell me.”

Q: How can I prevent toddler biting and hitting?
A: Observe patterns, create space, meet sensory needs, and give proactive language like “I need space” or “I’m still using it.”