Why Toddlers Have Tantrums (And What You Can Do Instead)

Tantrums are not a sign of a child being “spoiled,” “manipulative,” or “bad.” They’re a completely developmentally normal response to a brain that’s still under construction.

Toddlers live in their emotional brain – the part responsible for impulse, reaction, and survival. Their logical brain doesn’t fully mature until much later. When they’re overwhelmed or upset, they can’t process logic or reasoning. Their brain literally can’t do more than one thing at once. When toddlers are mid-meltdown, trying to talk them out of it or “make them understand” just doesn’t work.

Most tantrums happen because a child’s expectation doesn’t match reality – they wanted the blue cup, not the green one; they wanted to keep playing instead of getting in the car. They don’t have the emotional regulation, vocabulary, or perspective to cope with that mismatch yet.

One of the hardest (and least talked about) parts of parenting is learning to regulate your own emotions while your toddler is completely dysregulated. It takes immense patience and self-awareness, but it’s also one of the most powerful tools we can model.

In Montessori, we don’t try to control or suppress those feelings; instead, we offer what toddlers need most in these moments:

• Co-regulation: We stay close, calm, and regulated so they can borrow our calm.
• Validation: We let them know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling.
• Language: We help give words to their inner experience when they can’t.

The child is not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. And we can support them without shaming, punishing, or fixing.

---

🛠️ Montessori Strategies to Handle Tantrums in the Moment

1. Stay close, calm, and quiet
Use your body language more than your words. Get low, soften your shoulders, and say calmly, “You’re safe. I’m here.”

2. Validate their feelings
Instead of saying, “You’re fine,” try, “You really wanted that toy. It’s hard when we can’t have what we want.”

3. Let the storm pass
Don’t rush it or distract. Tantrums are not behavior to fix; they’re energy to release. Your calm helps them re-center.

4. Keep them physically safe
Move objects if needed, or gently prevent hitting or kicking, while staying non-threatening and present.

---

🏡 How to Prevent Tantrums Using Montessori Principles

Prepare the environment
Make sure your child’s space is predictable, child-sized, and not overloaded with toys or choices.

Honor routines
Montessori environments thrive on rhythm. Predictable routines reduce power struggles and give toddlers a sense of control.

Give choices within limits
“Would you like the red bowl or the blue bowl?” Choices help toddlers feel empowered without being overwhelmed.

Slow down transitions
Tantrums often spike when toddlers are rushed or surprised. Give time warnings and use consistent cues.

Model grace and courtesy
Practice how to say things calmly and respectfully before the moment gets heated. You’re building emotional language.

---

💬 What to Say Instead of “You’re Fine”

• “You’re really upset right now. I’m here with you.”
• “It’s okay to feel disappointed. We can try again later.”
• “Let’s breathe together. You’re safe.”
• “I understand. It’s hard when we have to stop playing.”

Montessori isn’t about eliminating big feelings; it’s about teaching our children how to move through them with support, respect, and connection.

---

🤲 Final Thoughts: Respect the Emotion, Support the Child

Tantrums are not misbehavior; they’re communication. In Montessori, we treat them not as something to shut down, but as an opportunity to model calm, offer language, and build emotional resilience.

You don’t have to be perfect – just present.

---

💡 More Montessori Tips for Toddler Behavior

If this post helped you understand your toddler’s big feelings, here are more guides to help you support their social and emotional development:

👉 Why Toddlers Don’t Need to Share (And What Montessori Teaches Instead)
Understand why forced sharing creates frustration—and how to teach turn-taking with respect.

👉 Montessori Conflict Resolution for Toddlers: Real Tools for Real Life
Learn what to say when toddlers argue, grab, or struggle with peer conflict—without rushing in too fast.

👉 Montessori Guide to Toddler Biting and Hitting
Why it happens, what to say in the moment, and how to respond with calm, Montessori-aligned tools.

👉 Terrible Twos and Threes? Why That’s a Myth
What looks like defiance is actually development. Learn how to shift your mindset and meet your toddler where they are.