5 Better Phrases Than “Use Your Words” (That Actually Help Toddlers Communicate)

If you’ve been searching for better phrases than use your words when talking to your toddler, you’re in the right place. Many well-meaning adults rely on that phrase during meltdowns, conflicts, or bursts of frustration. But here’s the truth:

Most toddlers can’t yet use their words because they’re still learning what those words even are.

In moments of big emotion, toddlers don’t need a command; they need connection. When adults pause, name the emotion, and model the words, we’re not just helping them in the moment—we’re laying the foundation for lifelong communication, emotional literacy, and self-regulation.

In Montessori, we honor where the child is developmentally. That means offering co-regulation before self-regulation, and understanding that behavior is communication.

Here are 5 powerful phrases to use instead of “use your words” with the child development, neuroscience, and Montessori theory behind why they work.

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1. “You’re having a hard time. I’m here to help.”

This phrase is simple, powerful, and immediately calming to a dysregulated child. Instead of asking your toddler to explain their behavior or justify their feelings, it connects.

🧠 Why this works

Toddlers under age 3–4 are still developing the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and verbal reasoning. When a toddler is upset, their “thinking brain” is offline and replaced by raw survival-mode emotion.

What they need is co-regulation: a calm adult presence that helps them return to a state of safety and connection.

Montessori emphasizes the role of the prepared adult, and in this case, you are the tool. Your calm, validating words anchor the child’s nervous system and invite them back into connection.

👉 Related Reading: Why Toddlers Have Tantrums (And What You Can Do Instead)

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2. “It looks like you wanted ____.”

This phrase helps toddlers begin identifying and expressing wants and needs—even if they’re not verbal yet. It shows the child you’re observing and trying to understand them, not punishing or demanding more than they can give.

🧠 Why this works

Around age 2, toddlers enter a sensitive period for language, but expressive language (what they can say) often lags behind receptive language (what they understand).

Behaviors like biting, hitting, or throwing are often signs of unmet needs or frustrations they don’t yet have the words to express.

By saying, “It looks like you wanted another turn” or “It looks like you didn’t want your toy touched,” you’re giving the child the language they might one day use themselves without expecting them to do it yet.

👉 Related Reading:

• Why Biting and Hitting Are Normal for Toddlers (and What to Do)
• The Terrible Twos and Threes Are a Myth—Here’s What’s Really Going On

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3. “Let’s take a deep breath together.”

Toddlers don’t need to be told to calm down – they need to be shown how.

This phrase offers a clear, regulated tool the child can model. Breathing together is simple, visual, and it brings your body into rhythm with theirs. That’s co-regulation in action.

🧠 Why this works

Self-regulation is the goal, but co-regulation is the path. Before toddlers can calm themselves, they need repeated experiences of being calmed with someone.

Over time, your modeled deep breaths become a tool they internalize – not because you told them to, but because you showed them how.

You’re not just solving the meltdown; you’re teaching a lifelong skill.

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4. “Let’s find a way to tell me without hitting/whining.”

This Montessori-friendly redirection acknowledges the need while guiding the child toward a respectful replacement behavior. Instead of shaming, it focuses on teaching.

🧠 Why this works

Toddlers often don’t yet understand social expectations, especially in new or shared spaces. Instead of “No hitting!” this phrase invites collaboration: “Let’s find a way…”

It teaches boundaries and communication without emotional withdrawal or punishment. Over time, toddlers begin to anticipate your calm response and lean into those replacement behaviors.

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5. “Next time, you can say ____.”

This phrase works best after the moment has passed, when the child is calm and receptive again. It’s a chance to model a simple script without pressure, and invite your toddler to practice language in context.

Examples

• “Next time, you can say, ‘I need space.’”
• “Next time, you can say, ‘I don’t like that.’”

🧠 Why this works

Toddlers need repeated exposure to functional language in context to develop the tools for conflict, emotion, and boundary-setting. Montessori emphasizes modeling and repetition, not correction or punishment.

👉 Bonus: These modeled scripts also reduce biting, hitting, and frustration outbursts by offering toddlers real language they can eventually access.

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So Why Not “Use Your Words”?

Because for most toddlers, it’s not developmentally appropriate… yet.

Instead of helping, “use your words” often leaves a child feeling unseen, shamed, or more overwhelmed. It asks for something they don’t have access to in the moment.

In Montessori, we don’t demand independence; we prepare the child for it. That means offering the right words, tone, and tools at the right time, again and again, until they’re ready.

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